Secrets of the Female Libido: What is Normal?

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One in every three women struggle with a low libido, also known as sex drive.

These numbers are staggering! No wonder so many “headache” jokes exist. But most of the time no one thinks to ask why so many women have this issue. Women don’t even think to ask it of themselves. Maybe you remember a time when you couldn’t wait to get your husband home and to bed. But maybe you’ve never felt that fervent desire your friends talk about. Maybe you wish you could feel desire but don’t know where to turn. Whatever your story may be, you’re not alone and you do not have to continue to struggle. There is hope.

Before we get into the weeds with why your libido might not be as high as you would like, let’s talk about what a normal libido is. The simple and straight forward answer – there is no such thing as “normal.” Libido naturally varies from person to person, and it changes throughout your life. What is normal for you might not be normal for someone else because we are all created uniquely with different needs. Additionally, while a “normal” sex drive does not exist, it’s also not abnormal for yours to change due to life experiences.

When talking about anything related to the human body, we must look at the issue holistically. The female libido is no different. It is affected by a combination of biological, psychological, and social factors.

Biological refers to medical conditions such as the presence of disease or illness- basically anything within the physical body that can cause hormonal or circulation changes which can affect libido. Vaginal pain associated with intercourse known as vaginismus, vitamin or mineral deficiencies, pelvic floor dysfunction, and aging can also influence libido.

Psychological is your emotional wellbeing and any mental health issues that may impact your libido. Depression, anxiety, PTSD, panic, or history of abuse can impact your libido.

Social is about your relationship with sex and your relationship with others. Your cultural upbringing, religious upbringing, and value systems can influence your general thoughts about sex and how you specifically engage with it. For example, someone who grew up in a household where sex was considered dirty and shameful might have a different desire for sex compared to someone who was raised in a sex-positive environment. Additionally, when it comes to your marital relationship, if there is any conflict, your libido will be affected.

The good news is that even though you are facing challenges, you can reignite the spark in your sex life. If you’ve recently been feeling unsatisfied with your libido, we’re breaking down some possible reasons for why your libido is low and offer some science and medical based tips for boosting it so you can enjoy the bedroom again.

We already know libido is affected by a combination of factors, so now we’ll look at some specific physical and mental health barriers that might be contributing to low libido.

Physical Causes of Low libido:

  • Sexual dysfunction: Sexual dysfunction is defined as “persistent, recurrent difficulty with sexual response, desire, orgasm, or pain”. Some of these issues include a history of painful sex, vaginal dryness, vaginismus, or difficulty reaching orgasm. All of these conditions can create anxiety surrounding sex and lead to a decrease in libido.
  • Reproductive health conditions: Medical conditions such as endometriosis, premenstrual syndrome, and polycystic ovary syndrome can negatively impact libido due to the hormonal changes and imbalances associated with them.
  • Medications: Some prescription medications are known to decrease libido. These drugs affect your ability to access the hormones important for experiencing sexual pleasure.
  • Fatigue: Many studies have shown that not enough sleep, or poor-quality sleep, can increase cortisol levels which can decrease libido.
  • Hormonal changes: Changes in estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone levels can decrease libido. Hormonal changes are associated with pregnancy and menopause, both of which can affect libido. Hormones change during pregnancy, after giving birth, and nursing and that change can affect libido. As we age, we transition into menopause and our estrogen levels drop This can cause vaginal dryness resulting in painful sex and causing a further dip in libido.
  • Exercise: Not getting enough exercise can lead to a sluggish feeling or physical illness and cause low libido. On the other hand, pushing yourself in high intensity workouts all the time with little rest can have the same effect. Life and libido thrive on balance.
  • Stress: Stress is often the number one killers of libido. While stress is a mental health issue, it is also a physical health issue because when cortisol levels rise, hormones associated with libido decrease.

Mental Health Causes of Low Sex Drive

  • Anxiety and depression: Anxiety raises cortisol levels decreasing your libido. Depression causes an imbalance of the neurotransmitters that help regulate libido. In general, physical fatigue, low confidence, and feeling of hopeless can decrease libido.
  • History of trauma: Experiencing trauma, especially sexual trauma can drastically drop your libido.
  • Relationship problems: Issues with communication and trust are of the most common causes of a low libido because of one’s relationship. Many people falsely believe that sex is just physical, however it is just as much an emotional act as it is a physical act. Anything affecting those emotions is going to affect your libido one way or another. If there is conflict, your libido is going to drop.
  • Low self-esteem: How you feel about your body plays a major part in your ability to access sexual desire. If you are not comfortable in your own body, your libido is going to be low.

Now that we’ve talk about some of the things that can affect our libido, let’s look at 9 tips for boosting it so you can start enjoying a healthy sex life again.

1.) Go for a medical check-up.
Make an appointment with your general practitioner or gynecologist for a wellness check. Make sure your health is well and there are no medical conditions that are negatively contributing to your low libido.

2.) Implement healthier lifestyle choices.
Overconsumption of fatty foods, alcohol, tobacco, and sugar can all negatively affect your libido. The lack of quality sleep and exercise can affect it as well. Finally, doom scrolling can negatively affect your mental health therefore affecting your libido. Implement some healthier lifestyle options with nutrition, light exercise, good sleep hygiene, and healthy social media habits.

3.) Find ways to reduce your stress.
Stress increases cortisol levels- cortisol is the stress hormone. Cortisol also lowers your libido. Consider regular self-care to help reduce stress. Sometimes this looks like a pedicure and bubble bath, but regular self-care means taking care of yourself. Learn to speak up about your needs and learn to ask for help. Eat a balanced diet and utilize supplements for deficiencies. Exercise, participate in an enjoyed hobby, keep connected with friends, and consider taking up journaling.

4.) Prioritize your mental health.
If struggles with anxiety or depression are getting in the way of your libido, consider getting assistance to help you treat these issues causing barriers. If you struggle feeling chronic shame with sex, you may want to speak to a licensed professional counselor or a Christian sex therapist. These professionals can help you walk through releasing any feelings of anxiety or shame regarding sex and pleasure.

5.) Identify your brakes and accelerators.
You cannot communicate your sexual needs if you do not know your accelerators (turns ons) and brakes (turn offs). This is how you learn how to build a good foundation for pleasurable sex. But you have to know these things and be able to clearly communicate then to your husband. Identifying your brakes and accelerators is not your husband’s job.

6.) Introduce play into the bedroom.
Introducing play into your sex life can be a fantastic way to boost your libido. Some women struggle with drive because they feel they are in a rut in the bedroom. Try some bedroom games or intimacy enhancers such as toys in the bedroom to spice things up. There are several Christian sex toy stores that you can shop in a marriage friendly and safe environment. There are also Christian marriage apps that offer fun games, positions, connection exercises, and date ideas. (You can see that list here.)

7.) Work on your connection.
Sex is not a purely physical act, there is a strong emotional component and even a spiritual connection. If you are not feeling the sexual desire as strong as you would like, take a look at your emotional and spiritual connection with your spouse. When was the last time you have a “for fun” date? When was the last time you prayed together? Don’t discount the power of a strong holistic connection. Plan a date with no sexual expectations and just have fun.

8.) Schedule sex.
Honestly, when you are always busy with work schedules, housework, and children, it can be hard to get in the mood. If this is you, try scheduling sex and putting it on a shared calendar. As unromantic as it might sound, for some couples this can help relieve some of the pressure of keeping the spark alive and actually help kindle romance. If you plan something, you are more likely to prepare for it and be in the right mindset for it.

9.) Get rid of expectations.
Many times women are so focused on how they feel they should be performing in bed, or how their body appears, that they are not present enough to fully enjoy the sexual experience. The media has some a fantastic job portraying unrealistic sex and tearing apart real relationships. Television, romance novels, even music contain false ideas and expectations. If you are filling your head with media containing fantasy portrayals of sex, you are not going to enjoy the real relationship you have. Consider filtering what you allow into your mind. Focus instead on what is good, honest, and pure.

If you are not satisfied with where your libido is right now, know that there is hope. Through quality communication, connecting, and self-care you can increase your libido and start to enjoy sex again. Remember, sex is supposed to be a connecting activity that is mutually pleasurable. If you are struggling to find the pleasure, it’s ok to get help.

More Than Just A Period.

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Our 21st century culture is lacking proper menstrual health education for girls. The education girls are receiving is either passed down from the generations before full of myths and misconceptions, being loosely taught in school leaving out important details, being twisted to fit a modern narrative, or being ignored altogether with the hopes that they’ll figure it out. Even now, in 2024, there is still so much superstition and shame surrounding the monthly menstrual cycle that women don’t talk about it, or are shamed for talking about it. Girls still hide their hygiene products in the shopping cart, try to open their pads as quietly as they can for fear of someone overhearing, they’re still made fun of for their response to symptoms, they’re dismissed by doctors, and overall made to feel bad about something natural that is happening in their bodies.

It’s time we change the narrative. It this article we want to normalize the natural cycle by breaking it down and explaining what happens during the 4 phases. Hopefully, we can increase the exposure girls have to quality menstruation education and end the taboo surrounding their bodies.

The menstrual cycle can be split into four phases. It is commonly believed that the menstrual cycle and a woman’s period are one and the same. However, menstruation (bleeding) is only one phase of a full cycle involving many parts working together.

Phase 1:

On day 1 of the menstrual cycle, estrogen and progesterone have dropped and the lining of the uterus is shed through the vagina. This is when bleeding begins. This first phase can last 3-7 days. Most women experience abdominal cramping as the uterus sheds its lining, but severe pain and cramping can be signals of a deeper issue and should be discussed with a healthcare provider. The vaginal discharge is comprised on uterine tissue, cervical mucus, and blood.

Phase 2:

Phase two can be confusing because there is overlap. This phase also starts on day one and continues until you ovulate. During the follicular phase, your pituitary gland releases FSH (follicle stimulating hormone). This hormone facilitates the development of a follicle in your ovary and matures it into an egg ready for fertilization. Estrogen also rises during this phase causing the lining of your uterus to thicken. Usually with the rise of estrogen women notice increased energy and libido.

Phase 3:

The ovulation phase is when the mature egg is released from the ovary into the fallopian tube. LH (luteinizing hormone) starts rising at this time making the fertile window trackable at home with urine tests. This is the time of the menstrual cycle that you could become pregnant. Despite widespread belief, your fertile window is more than just the day you ovulate. Ovulation itself is hard to pin down without ultrasound monitoring, but the use of LH detecting using strips can help pinpoint when this hormone peaks signaling the egg will be released withing 12-24 hours. The average woman’s fertile window is between days 10-16.

Phase 4:

The luteal phase happens lastly in the cycle, after ovulation. During this phase, the uterine lining is thick and ready to receive a fertilized egg. Your progesterone hormone starts rising to help prepare your uterus. If there is no fertilized egg, or if the fertilized egg fails to implant properly, the menstruation (bleeding) phase will begin starting a new cycle. During this phase, serotonin (the happy chemical) can also drop in many women triggering increased feelings of lethargy or sadness. This is also called PMS (pre-menstrual syndrome). In women with significant drops, PMS can include increases feelings of depression, anxiety, irritability, and sometimes anger.

The fist step to ending the shame and taboo around a woman’s menstrual cycle is first and foremost, education. The more clearly someone can understand what is going on inside their body, the less shame should surround it. This is not information anyone should be “gatekeeping”, this is not information to be sexualized, and it’s not something to be whispered in shame. Menstrual education is for everyone, not just girls. The more we educate men and boys about the process the more we’ll start to see phrases like “that time of the month” or “she’s just PMSing” the quicker we’ll see those phrases phased out. Understanding and freedom follow education. Let’s change the way we talk to girls and the way we talk about their bodies.

Good vs. Bad In the Bedroom

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When this ministry was founded in 2022, the reason was sex. Female sexuality and sexual pleasure have long been overlooked or considered taboo, amongst Christians. Especially in fundamental churches, through the message of the purity culture (Check out this article for an explanation of purity culture), women have been conditioned to believe that their pleasure doesn’t matter, that sex is only for the husband, or that there’s something wrong if they have a higher sex drive. Reasons such as these are why Altogether Beautiful Ministries exists. We tackle the tough subjects, combat the common misconceptions within the church, and bring them into the light of Scripture.

Going forward, we will be answering one of the questions we’ve received, sharing tips for the bedroom, educating on the female body and libido, and sharing resources on sex/sexuality. Here is the biggest question we have been asked the most frequently:

How do we know what is good vs. sinful sexual acts within a marriage?

When asking this question, several women further stated that they were specifically talking about activities such as oral sex, anal sex, BDSM activities, sex toys, role playing, and/or pornography. We took time to not only study Scripture, but also pray over each part of our answer.

  • Oral. One of our favorite passages from Song of Songs is chapter 4 where the bride and groom are building suspense with one another. In verse 16 the bride replies “Awake, north wind, and come, south wind! Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread everywhere. Let my beloved come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.” If you understand the language and the poetry happening here this is describing cunnilingus, or oral sex performed on the woman. Both cunnilingus and fellatio (oral sex performed on a man) can be beautiful expressions of love and intimacy within a marriage. They should be given and received with mutual consent and mutual benefit. If both spouses agree, then oral sex can add a wonderful element of pleasure and fun to your sex life.
  • Anal. While we have found no scriptures, or scriptural principles, to condemn or condone anal sex, some of us at ABM do have healthcare educations and credentials and we will state that it’s not a good idea. We take no Biblical stance, but do recommend against it for health and safety purposes. We don’t think of it as a “backdoor”, we think of it more as a sewage drain. Ultimately, what you and your husband do with that information in between you and if you both consent to engage, we are not of the belief that you are in sin.
  • BDSM & SM. These acronyms stand for (Bondage, Dominance, Sadochism, and Masochism) and (Slavery and Master). While scripture is not clear with many sexual acts, we believe that there are enough accounts to stand against both BDSM and S&M. Christ demonstrates and states throughout Scripture that we as Believers are to live in freedom through him. (Galatians 5:1) We are to respect one another (1 Corinthians 13:4-8), we are to honor one another (Romans 12:10), and lastly we are to honor our bodies (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). Neither BDSM nor S&M fit into any of these passages, or the many more like them. Therefore, we believe that these acts, even in a marriage, go against God’s design for sex and sexuality. We believe that they do not lead to closer intimacy and are designed to degrade those who were created in the image of God. (Genesis 1:27)
  • Sex Toys. Toys such as vibrators, rings, games, oral enhancers, furniture and others can add such a fun element of spice into your marriage. We have an entire list of Christian owned and run toy stores that are safe and respectful for your marriage (no nudity or ties with the pornography industry). Toys are not sinful or damaging to your marriage if used consensually. They can increase pleasure, fun, laughter, the “hot factor” and have many other benefits. Check out our Marriage Bed Resource page for a list of our favorite Christian owned/run shops.
  • Role Playing. Role playing can add another level of fun to a sex life, but we do have to be cautious that the roles we’re assuming in the bedroom don’t contradict what is good, pure, and holy. Good conversations with one another is crucial in role playing situations. Talk together about what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not comfortable with.
  • Pornography. Pornography in any form is not part of God’s design for sex and sexuality. Intimacy was designed by God to be between one man and one woman united in marriage (Genesis 1:27, 2:24) and meant to draw one another closer together. Pornography introduces other people to the equation. Pornography is also a selfish sex. There is no emotional connection, there is emotional distance. There is no sacrificial love, there is only self pleasure. Pornography is devastating both to a marriage and to a relationship with God. We firmly stand against it in all forms (magazines, videos, movies, strip clubs, etc.) whether you are married or not. (Psalm 101:3)  That being said, we do not believe that taking sexy pictures of yourself or yourselves together, for the eyes of your spouse only, can be classified as pornography. We encourage you to be careful in the way you take and send them, we recommend having those photos password protected, and we recommend talking about it and coming to an agreement with your spouse before you take them.

Communication is the most important part of incorporating any new activities into your marriage bed. While something may sound fun to one spouse, it can be triggering or embarrassing to another. Good communication, understanding, and patience are a must for your sex life. When asking about what is good, put, and holy ask the following questions: Will this bring me and my spouse closer together? Will this be pleasurable or fun for both? Does this contradict God’s Word?

Check out our list of Marriage Bed Resources for more information and education! Do you have any questions? Contact us here and someone will get back with you.

Overcoming the “Ick” Factor in Sex

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Q: Should I be concerned if the thought of sex grosses me out most of the time? Is it normal to feel this way?

This is only one of the *many* questions we received from women concerned that sex grossed them out. They all ended with “is this normal?” The short answer is no. If there is an automatic response of “ick” when it comes to sex with your spouse, this is worth digging in to and unpacking more. You have to ask questions like “when did this ick response start?” “what do I believe about sex?” “did my upbringing contribute to this feeling?” You have to be willing to ask yourself the hard questions and reflect. If this is a serious issue that is actually hindering your sex life or discouraging intimacy between you and your spouse, we heavily recommend seeing a Christian sex counselor. (Check out our Resource page HERE for recommendations).

However, if this issue is not hindering your sex life or causing strife in your marriage, here are three ways to overcome the “ick” and start enjoying sex more.

1.) Prepare your Mind.

The first step to preparing for intimacy without the “ick” is to get yourself in the right mindset. There are so many practical things you can do to get yourself in the right headspace for sex.

  • Practice some deep breathing before initiating. Use the 4-4-8 method to inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 8 seconds. repeat this five times, or until you feel relaxed and centered.
  • Read through the Song of Songs, or portions of it. Use your spouse’s name in the verses (example Song of Songs 5:10&16 “My SPOUSE NAME is radiant and ruddy, distinguished among ten thousand…SPOUSE NAME mouth is most sweet, and he is altogether desirable.”)
  • Journal through what you’re feeling, what you’re wanting to feel, and what your goal is for this intimate time.

2.) Prepare your Space.

Next, prepare your bedroom. Think about all 5 senses and how you can use each one to help overcome any “ick”

  • Turn off harsh lighting in your bedroom and turn on some soft lamps or candles.
  • Put on a sexy playlist with music that will get you in a romantic place.
  • Use a non-toxic linen spray of sensual scents such as jasmine, rose, vanilla, or lily of the valley. You can also use non-toxic candles or a diffuser.
  • Set out something to taste such as dark chocolate, pomegranate, fig, cherry, or caramel.
  • Put fresh clean sheets on your bed so your body feels the clean crisp. Invest in a set of silk sheets specifically for intimacy.

3.) Prepare your body.

Finally, prepare your body. These tips can be the most helpful in overcoming the “ick”, but it’s not the only thing you should work on preparing. Don’t neglect to fist prepare your mind by getting in the right headspace.

  • Start in the shower, together. Use this time to not only clean and groom, but also to warm each other up. Practice washing one another, rubbing the soap all over your spouse’s body with your hands. Make sure unwanted hair is trimmed and neat. Use a special scented soap that is reserved for sexy time.
  • Set out some wet wipes by the bedside for immediate clean up. A lot of the “ick” comes from normal natural bodily fluids that result from sexual intercourse. Keeping wet wipes close by can help ease your mind about this feeling.
  • Have a large fluffy towel that is your dedicated “sex towel”, Go shopping together and pick one out to make it a connection object. Keep it up and only use it for sex.
  • Brush your teeth and use a non-flavored mouthwash before sex.
  • Use lip balm to soften and moisten lips before heavy make-out sessions.
  • Have a bottle of water available at your bedside to drink, moisten, or rinse out your mouth.
  • Touch your spouse. Always be touching your spouse. Start early in the day by caressing their hand, running your finger up their arm, running your fingers through their hair, grabbing their butt, or placing your hand on their thigh. Practice touching them everywhere and anywhere and get used to the feel of their body.

If you have trouble with thinking sex is gross, you’re not alone. But, you don’t want to stay there. If practicing the above does not help, and it’s interfering with your intimacy, please seek professional help. Reach out and we can get you in touch with a Christian sex therapist, or visit our Resource page for recommendations through therapists, podcasts, books, and more. Are you looking to spice up your sex life? Check out our Marriage Bed resource page for some fun resources to help inject fun and spice into your marriage.

A Conversation on Sexual Wellness

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How is your sexual wellness?

When we talk about sexual wellness, we want to approach it with a holistic view. We can’t just talk about sexual wellness in terms of physical or relational health. We have to look at it with all four corners; physical, relational, spiritual and emotional. Oh then can we gauge our true sexual wellness.

Physical

Physical sexual wellness looks at your anatomy and physiology. Are you physically healthy? Some areas that impact your physical wellness are medications that affect your hormone levels, dehydration that leads to vaginal dryness, ingrown pubic hairs that are uncomfortable, urinary tract infections, yeast infections, bacterial vaginosis, and menses. These are just a few physical conditions that can affect sexual wellness.

If you have consistent symptoms such as vulva/vaginal burning, itching, or pain, we recommend seeing a qualified gynecologist. If you have trouble with dryness due to a hormonal shift or dehydration, we recommend a good lube, such as Slippery Stuff, while you’re working on restoring your health. Some women report that orgasming during menstruation helps relieve cramping. Talk to your spouse and if it is mutually consensual, this could be an option for you. If you are unfamiliar with your own anatomy, we recommend getting a mirror and a light and going into your bedroom and taking a look at what God created. This will help you to be familiar with your health in this area.

Relational

Relational wellness looks at your relationship with your spouse. Are you fighting a lot? Do you have bitterness or anger towards one another? Are you closely connected or do you feel yourselves drifting apart? Life changes are one of the biggest stressors in a marriage. Job changes, financial issues, new baby, new house, death of a loved one, or even pet adoption can cause a massive shift in your relationship if you’re not intentional about connecting with one another and walking together.

It’s easy to get into a rut where you start to feel more like business partners, or even enemies, than you do a married couple. If you are dealing with strain in your relationship, we recommend finding a Christian marriage counselor. Everyone would benefit from marriage counseling, even couples who would be labeled “rock solid”. Don’t feel embarrassment about seeking help, or seeking ways to strengthen your marriage. It is more important than anything or anyone else in your life.

Emotional

Emotional wellness looks at the way you think about sex. It this pleasurable, or do you feel like it’s just a duty to be done? Are you emotionally intimate with your spouse? Do you believe you’re worthy of pleasure? How you view sex will depend greatly on how you were taught about sex growing up. If the subject was taboo and forbidden in your childhood, then chances are good that you don’t have a healthy emotional view of sex. Those, especially women, who were raised in fundamental churches were taught that sex is shameful, dirty, and something to be hidden. These women then grow up and get married, and that shame voice inside their head never goes away. The same is true for women raised with a casual view of sex. If you were raised with the idea that sex is just an outlet and you should express yourself sexually however is best for you, you won’t have the correct view of sex as an adult.

Your mental health will also impact your emotional wellness when it comes to sex. Conditions like anxiety and depression are often the result of chemical imbalances in the brain which can affect every other area of our health. If you feel yourself suffering from prolonged anxiety, or depression, please schedule an appointment with a qualified medical doctor or licensed counselor. If you are struggling with shame surrounding your sexuality, or sexual relationship, we recommend seeing a certified Christian sex therapist. A sex therapist who happens to be a Christian can be a good resource, but a better option is a counselor who was specifically trained as a Christian sex therapist. These counselors are highly educated in Bible teachings medical conditions affecting sex, and the psychology of sexual dysfunction.

Spiritual

Spiritual wellness look at what you believe about God’s design for sex. What were you taught about sex from the church? Many women coming out of a strict church upbringing were taught nothing about sex until very close to their wedding. If they were taught through the church, it was heavily influenced by the purity culture movement where sex and sexuality were shameful to even think about until you got married. Then they were expected to flip a switch and “do it for their husband”.

If you weren’t taught the correct theology of sex, then it will be hard to understand why it matters so much to God. This is another area where a good Christian sex therapist can make a huge difference. In addition to counseling, we encourage you to grab your Bible and start with the beautiful Song of Songs. Look at the original language and the cultural context as you study. This book shows us that sex was created to be mutually beneficial and pleasurable to both husband and wife.

Other recommendations for sexual wellness such as books, podcasts, and courses can be found LINK HERE